


Guilt

by Marrilyn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Apologies, Couch Cuddles, F/F, Girls Kissing, Guilt, Holding Hands, Kissing, Mean Reader, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-31 00:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13963836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marrilyn/pseuds/Marrilyn
Summary: Reader feels guilty for snapping at Rowena.





	Guilt

"Goddamn it, Rowena! Can I get  _one_  night of sleep? Just  _one?_  Is that too much to ask?"

Having been woken up yet again, for the umpteenth time, by Rowena screaming and hitting you hard enough to cause pain, you lashed out. It was an instinct, a reaction to a violent awakening that you should have been used to by now, over half a year since it had first started. But you weren't. It didn't seem like you would ever get used to it.

Rowena's tear-filled eyes met yours, and your heart shattered into a million pieces. She was terrified, features twisted with fear and pain that had become her world. Lucifer's torment had left a permanent mark on her.

You hadn't meant to snap at her.

You just wanted to sleep.

Swallowing down the guilt, you shifted to the other side, turning your back on her, and drifted back into blissful sleep.

When you woke up a few hours later, you found the bed empty. Sunlight lit up the room. You squinted as one of the rays shined on you, attacking your eyes like a laser pointed directly at them.

Your thoughts wandered to Rowena and your heart skipped a beat, guilt returning with a vengeance, digging its sharp claws in it. Was she mad at you? If she was, you deserved it. Had you been in her shoes, you would have been mad at you.

You  _were_  mad at you.

How could you hurt her like that? The nightmares weren't her fault. She had no control over them. If she had, she would have made them vanish months ago. She was traumatized, soul wounded to the point where it would never completely heal. You should be supporting her instead of hurting her worse.

_What have I done?_

You could only hope that she would forgive you. Rowena could hold a mean grudge, something she had proven multiple times in almost four years of you knowing her. If she wanted to hold this against you, you wouldn't blame her. You deserved anything she could throw at you.

You took your time getting up. Facing your girlfriend would be difficult, but it had to be done. Taking a deep breath of courage, you got up and padded out the room. Just like every morning, Rowena was seated at the island. The long, red-painted nail of her forefinger tapped against the cup. The tea in it was still hot, steam dancing in the air like pollen carried by wind.

You stopped at the door, taking a small pause before slowly going in. Rowena looked up, eyes meeting yours in a greeting, and then her glance lowered back to the cup. She wasn't shouting and didn't appear to be angry. Though, for all you knew, she could have been. The look on her face was seemingly neutral, hard to read. You decided to take that as a good sign.

"Good morning."

"Good morning." Rowena said it back without looking at you, voice calm, a tad too quiet to be normal.

She was hurt.

_Shit!_

A second steaming mug stood next to hers. She had made you coffee. You wanted to weep. You snapped at her when she was at her most vulnerable, and you hadn't even tried to comfort her. In return, she had made you coffee.

_Oh, god._

Anger rushed through you, a desire to punch yourself in the face rising. You hoped she would accept your apology. You were genuinely sorry. If you could go back in time, you would have acted differently. You would have held her and comforted her, like you had done every other night. You would not have snapped at her.

You sat down on the chair next to hers. Rowena kept her eyes glued to the tea.

"I'm sorry," you said gently. Every word had come from the heart. "I shouldn't have snapped at you."

Rowena was silent for a few moments. Then she said in a voice just as neutral and quiet as the one from a few minutes ago, "It's fine."

"It's not. I was a bitch." You reached for her hand. She froze. For a moment you thought she was going to push you away. She hadn't, lacing her fingers with yours, instead. You let out a sigh of relief. "I was sleep-deprived and I lashed out. I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

Rowena finally allowed herself to look at you. Her eyes gleamed with tears she forcefully held back. "It is I who hurt you. I was wondering how long it would take you to acknowledge it."

"It wasn't your fault."

"I still did it," Rowena said. "I've been doing it for months."

"I don't blame you." You squeezed her fingers for emphasis. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the random crying fits… They were all on Lucifer. He had been the one who murdered her, ruthlessly, without a shred of mercy. His torment had marked her. "Lucifer–"

"Don't…" she cut you off.

Any other time you would have respected her wish. Now, you had to finish this. "He did this to you, Rowena. I blame him. Not you."

A tear spilled from her eye. You wiped it away with your thumb and cupped her cheek. She leaned into your touch, closing her eyes for a second to bask in the warmth. So gentle, tender. No one would believe you Rowena had that side. Before you got to know her, not even you would have believed it. You knew different now. Behind protective walls there was a person; a wounded, lonely person who wanted nothing more than to be loved, to be accepted the way she is and cared for the way she deserves. She hurt, just like everyone else. She suffered and screamed silent screams that nobody ever bothered to hear. People found it easier to hate her than understand her. No one was ever willing to give her a chance to prove that she can do better, be better.

The wicked witch was all they had seen.

So that was what she had become.

She would never be alone, never have to hide herself for as long as you were around. Never again. The two of you had your ups and downs, but for the most part, the good outweighed the bad.

"Forgive me. Please."

Rowena nodded. "You are forgiven." She smiled.

You returned the smile. "Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. We all snap from time to time. It's nothing to dwell on." Her face fell as her eyes trailed down to your stomach. "Did I hit you hard?"

"I can barely feel it," you replied. Guilt flashed over Rowena face. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it. A few more hours and it'll be gone."

"Let me heal it."

You wanted to tell her that there was no need, that the pain was close to nonexistent. But the look on her face was heartbreaking, ridden with guilt and shame. "After breakfast, okay?" you said to placate her.

Rowena nodded.

"How are you feeling?" you asked.

She stared, contemplating what to say. She decided to go with honesty. "Scared."

"Did you sleep at all?"

"An hour, maybe."

"Can I do anything?"

You should have done something right when it happened instead of snapping at her and selfishly going back to sleep. You pushed those thoughts back to the corner of your mind. Like Rowena said, there was no point in dwelling on it. She had accepted your apology. If only that had washed away the guilt.

"I don't think you can," Rowena replied.

"Wanna cuddle on the couch?"

Cuddles had healing properties. It was a scientific fact. And it just so happened that the both of you loved them.

"Yes."

You leaned forwards, brushing your lips against hers. It was a sweet kiss, gentle and warm.

"If you need anything, tell me," you said. "Today is your day."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to. Let me spoil you."  _Let me ease my guilt._

"Well…" Rowena grinned. "I can't say no to being spoiled."

Exchanging smiles and another kiss, the two of you picked up your drinks and settled on the couch, lowering the mugs atop the coffee table. Rowena curled against you like a kitten. You held her to you, one arm wrapped around her, while the other rested on your lap, hand clutching hers. She was safe and protected. That was the way it was supposed to be.

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by my friend OswinTheStrange.


End file.
